A Steadfast Spirit

In her book The Gifts of Imperfection author Brene Brown describes those living “wholeheartedly” as “consistently trying to feel the feelings, staying mindful about numbing behaviors, and trying to lean into the discomfort of hard emotions.” Once I started down the path to healing, I was stubbornly determined to do whatever it took to complete the mission.

My counseling duo, Sharon and Paul, both made it clear that if I were to enter into another relationship before I had learned what needed to be uncovered and healed, I would be heading into another disaster. To move on to a new person in one’s brokenness means you are bringing a wounded person to a relationship. And, wounded people often attract other wounded people. There would be no “Match.com” or other futile attempts to numb myself with someone new. I was going to “lean into the pain” as Sharon had put it.

I made sure I did not drink alcohol carelessly, and I increased my yoga classes and journaling. I had to be especially careful about over working, identifying work as my drug of choice. I love my clients and hearing people’s stories. I listened to them tell their pain in mediation and as often happens, there were insights into myself as I listened to them.

The Healing Ark

I knew if I really wanted to heal from the divorce I would have to do hard personal work. I began therapy with an amazing counselor. Sharon had seen FP and me during our pitiful attempt at marriage counseling. We would come home after developing a game plan and he would say “she just doesn’t understand.” When I made an appointment to work with her alone, I assumed she was best situated to help me cope because she had met FP. She’d seen the situation and from my seat in marriage counseling, she had understood perfectly.

Sharon gave me “tough love” whenever I would try to dissect what had happened. She basically said “How long are we going to talk about him; when are we going to talk about YOU?” I went to her chair week after week, sometimes calling in a panic to see if there was a cancellation so I could see her on days that I didn’t feel I could stand the pain.

She dissected my family tree to uncover patterns in my “family system” that held clues to why I had found myself twice divorced. She believed things were so painful because I had popped the cork on a whole mother lode of grief. FP had arrived in my life right after my dad died. Apparently the grief from my first divorce, my dad’s death, moving from Arizona and my broken marriage to FP was all rushing out like a waterfall. She told me my healing would take time, lots of work, and would be painful. “Will it be worth it?” I asked. “I don’t know. You will have to be the judge of that,” she’d say. And I hated that SHE couldn’t be the one doing the work for me.